I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
