my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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