Duck Duck Cougar?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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