My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
