I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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