Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
