i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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