Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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