He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
