I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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