Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
