i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
