And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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