I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
