I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
