His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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