piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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