You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
