So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
