the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
