Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
