I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
it's great music for shaving your balls
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
