i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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