someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
