Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
