I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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