Umm I'm too high to move.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
