you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
