My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
