there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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