I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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