I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
