rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
