Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
