Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
