That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
