i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize