i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
