I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
