she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
