Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
