and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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