I just saw a hot homeless man
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
