i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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