Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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