Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Randomize
