Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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