I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
