i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
