i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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