apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
