your parents love me but you hate me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
